I can’t stand all this sweetness and light, it sickens me so I get to the point: ‘Strip naked and walk round to mine, just wearing your cheap fake...fur coat and boots – you’ve got fifteen minutes so don’t fack around!’ * * * The door buzzer sounds in my hallway. I check my watch: f******n minutes – not bad, but then she knows not to displease me. I pick up the intercom. ‘It’s me!’ She proclaims in an irritatingly gleeful tone. ‘Yeah… surprise, surprise… right, you are going to do EXACTLY as I. I was thinking maybe a good four-wheel drive SUV. I get the impression you're pretty much a DIY kind of guy, and you probably know a hell of a lot more about cars than I do. I just don't want some slick salesman unloading a lemon on me." Sure, I'll be happy to at least offer an opinion. How much are you willing to spend? I ask because, considering the depreciation on those things, I'd go with something three or four years old." I don't know how much because I've never bought a car before. What. More

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